Nonviolent communciation (abbreviated NVC, also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication) is an approach to communication based on principles of nonviolence. It is not a technique to end disagreements, but rather a method designed to increase empathy and improve the quality of life of those who utilize the method and the people around them. Communication is a major part of everyday life and of our relationship. If we want to function well with people, we need to learn to communicate effectively.

Why Learn Nonviolent Communication?

To Avoid Speaking in Ineffective Ways

One time M. Rosenberg was in a mosque in Bethlehem, standing in front of 170 Palestinian Muslim men and presenting his teachings about Nonviolent Communication.

All of a sudden, there was a disturbance in the crowd. The men began whispering furiously to each other. Rosenberg’s translator told him tensely, “They are whispering you are an American!” Then a man in the crowd jumped to his feet, pointed at Rosenberg and yelled as loud as he could “Murderer!” About a dozen other men joined in, calling him a child killer and assassin. This group of Palestinian men felt a lot of anger towards America for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel. Weapons that were used against the Palestinian people.

So, faced with this angry crowd, what do you think Marshall Rosenberg did? What would you have said and done in this situation?

Rosenberg immediately focused on the first man who yelled, focusing on what that man was feeling and needing at that moment. He asked the man, “Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently?” And the man replied, “Damn right I’m angry!” and yelled that they didn’t need American tear gas and what they needed were sewers and better housing. The man talked about how miserable living conditions were for him and his family. How his son played in sewage and the classrooms had no books.

Then Rosenberg replied, “I hear how painful it is to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment…” And this conversation continued for another 20 minutes, with the man expressing his pain and Rosenberg reflecting back the man’s feelings and needs. He didn’t agree or disagree, but aimed to make the man feel understood. And in less than an hour, the same man who’d yelled “murderer” was now inviting the American psychologist to his home for a Ramadan dinner!

Now, most of us would never say that we talk to others in a “violent” way. Nonetheless, when we use the habits of communication we picked up while growing up, we often do cause hurt and pain to both ourselves and others. In any disagreement, people have a knee-jerk strategies of getting their needs met, these often include judging, blaming and criticizing the other person. This usually just makes the other person defensive, upset or angry. Through Nonviolent Communication, we can learn to express our emotions and desires more directly. This means we can move past interpersonal friction and conflicts more smoothly and reliably.

Empathic Approach For a Better World

I liked how the book stresses that importance of clearly understanding our own feelings and striving to understand the others’ feelings. It might sound touchy feely… And that’s exactly the mistake that most do. If everyone read and applied the lesson from Nonviolent Communication we would certainly live in a better world.

Nonviolent Communication is a very good manual on effective communication. It can be recommend both for general communication and for communication within a relationship.

Avoid These Violent Communication

Moral judgement (insult, criticism, labels) - Judgmental words - Demands (you must) - Comparisons - Accusatory words

The words we use impact the way we behave. O.J. Harvey studies the world literature looking for how often words depicting people as “good” or “bad” would come up. He found out that countries with a larger usage of bad words also had more incidents.

Goal of Nonviolent Communication

The goal of nonviolent communication, or NVC, is to help us communicate our feelings clearly by observing objectively, identify feelings, find out more about our own needs and communicate these with compassion.

Imagine as an example that you son left his toys all across the floor. You would not start yelling at him right away.
Instead:

• first you observe the situation
• then you ask yourself how it makes you feel (angry, frustrated, worried for the family's safety?)
• next you identify what need you have (clean house, safe environment?)
• finally you ponder for a second what's the best way to voice your request in a way that influences them without hurting them.

For example:

Son, when I see your toys spread across the kitchen’s floor I feel frustrated because I need our house to be clean and safe. Do you think you can pick up your toys and take them to your room when you are done playing? (Starting with “I” instead of “you” is a staple of communication manuals.)

Observing Without Evaluation

Observing without evaluating is one of the keys of nonviolent communication and one of the most difficult steps to master.

For example the phrase: “Mark always comes late at work” already implies an evaluation. Rephrasing it in a way that is object would say: “Mark does not arrive before 9am”.

Another example, even more relevant for relationships, would be: "You never listen to me when I speak to you!" Instead, it's better to be specific: "The last two times I tried to talk to you about it you left the room."

What do you want?

You go from victim to creator by asking what you want.

Take Responsibility - Taking responsibility means that you don't blame anyone else for your own feelings. What someone does is a stimulus, but it's never the cause of your response. Our response is up to us, and our overall emotional wellbeing is up to us.

Another example: Imagine that someone tells you: You are the most selfish person I met!" Sounds harsh, right? There are a few ways people normally react to strong accusations: Change self-narrative, blame themselves and feel depressed OR get angry and defensive, lash out and blames back.

A better reaction though would be to walk through your own feelings and verbalize them. For example: "I feel offended and dejected when you say that because I have really been trying to take your needs into account." This response will clarify your own feelings and get you more easily down the road of resolution. Then you could ask for clarification: "Okay. What makes you say that? Do you think I'm selfish for something specific that I have done? Later on, you can add: "How do you think I could show more consideration for you and your needs?"

When you use his type of communication you will often find out that the people will self-soothe and calm down because they feel heard and understood. Powerful stuff!

Communicating Needs

Marshall Rosenberg says that many of us are not skilled at communicating our own emotions and needs. That leads people to passive aggression and grow anger and resentment. The best you can do, both for yourself and the people around you, is to communicate as directly as possible.

Use Positive Language to Verbalize Your Request

Similar to coummunicating our needs, voicing our request should be done as directly as possible. A great way to cause less defensiveness as possible in the listener is to communicate what you want them to do instead of what you want to stop doing. Positive language also helps to make your needs clearer. For example, if a wife tells his husband not to spend too much time at work, he might not be sure what she means. Does it mean he is stressing himself too much or that she wants him to spend more time at home with her? Positive language avoids misunderstandings.

Nonviolent Communication For Self Talk

Marshall Rosenberg says that can use nonviolent communication to talk to ourselves as well. Way too often indeed we label ourselves negatively and we are way too harsh. Instead, the next time you are being judgmental towards yourself, focus on your unmet needs.

Listening Well

To listen well Nonviolent Communication recommends the following: Listen empathically, try to feel what they feel (don’t try to cheer them up, don’t offer immediate solutions or advice). - Ask questions. - Repeat the words you heard (it will lead them to expand and clarify) / Paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand.

Nonviolent Communication has proven worthy within families. You will learn to solve conflicts in a way that you feel more connected and appreciated – rather then solving conflicts in escalation or keeping quiet, not solving problems at all!